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Who you ask? Why me in fact. I was informed today that I am in fact a hypocrite. Not overall, but that I have judged others and later turned around and behaved in the same manner. She is correct. So does that make me wrong now? No, what it means is that I have taken to judging people--and not just making an assessment, but a harsh judgment. I don't make this a habit, but I have done it and obviously I still do it on occasion. Well I'm done. From this point on I am done. And I think I actually owe people an apology for judging them harshly and I hope I find the courage to apologize--like tomorrow.

Judging people seems to occur when unhappy--when insecure--when jealous in some way, shape, or form. We seek others with the same judgment to give us credence to our nasty tongue. I say we, but maybe I should just focus on me. I find that despite my belief of being "evolved," I sometimes still stoop to a level of childish, cruel behavior. And I don't like that--that is not who I am. Outside of the work environment I find it easier to think completely for myself--to tell someone that their tongue should not be used to belittle and destroy another human being. But while at work, I sometimes find myself "going with the flow" to retain my job. I sometimes even find myself feeding into the gossip instead of ignoring it or telling people how ludicrous it is to be so interested and so invested in the life of another. This is not me and I need to stop--right now--at this very second.

Work is work. It is a necessity, but it is not all consuming. My work does not currently define me because there is no passion within it. The only time which I find true value is that 25% of the year where I have the opportunity to facilitate the CPR/AED classes--the rest is just... yeah, just stuff. I perform the duties asked of me and I earn a paycheck. Yay. Discussing this matter with an extremely intelligent and thoughtful individual, it was brought to my attention that if the bulk of one's life has been chaos, then the desire for stability is all too consuming. Once attained, either 1) blissfully lives in this stability for the entirety of life, or 2) realizes that stability does not equate to genuine happiness.

Admittedly I do like knowing I will be receiving a paycheck so I can pay my bills, but then I consider the cycle. Work, pay bills, work, pay bills, work, pay bills... Well, where in this cycle is the opportunity for life--for living--for taking risks. Yes, risks!! When did we stop doing that as a society? When did we become part of the "rat race"?

I really do find myself exhausted at the end of work week. I believe it is a result of a lack of passion. People telling me that I should be happy for what I have--which to me feels like that when I strive for something out of the normal realm of perceived societal happiness, that I am selfish. But you know what, so be it. It is time I asked more of myself. It is time I stopped being afraid of criticism (which will happen no matter what) and started taking those risks I failed to take in my youth. It is time that I stopped allowing others to discourage me because my life is not their life to lead. This right now is just not enough for me. I'm not truly happy. I feign it well to those who don't care, but if you truly knew me, then you would know I am not happy. That I'm irritated and tired of excuses I have indulged in and the fear others try to instill in me. I have fallen prey to contentment and I have no one to blame but myself. Art is my passion and my lack of focus has left me out of practice. I was asked if I could really make a living from it. I don't know. Yes. No. Maybe? But if it is something I love and something where I do display some semblance of talent, then encourage me! Don't try to drag me to "reality." I know reality--I exist in it every freaking day. I feel whole when I create. I feel love when I create. I feel me.

Now. Right now I change. Not as a New Year's resolution. Right now for myself. And I will accept nothing but encouragement and honesty. Love is honesty and love is encouraging continual growth. I'm too tired too think of every worst case scenario. So I fail--I get back up and try again with some minor (or major) adjustments. I just need to shut out all the other voices (though they are all said with love and good intentions). For once, I just want to hear me.

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