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I could choose to write in a journal - keep all of this private. Maybe it would be best if I did so, but that is not how I am feeling at the moment. There are many things which have remained hidden in my life and maybe some that will remain only in my memory until my death; in this period I want to share - even if it is an audience of one.

We all grieve. Grief comes after a loss - death, loss of job, loss of relationship, loss of ability - any loss that has caused a great upheaval in our lives. It is not abnormal but it is not often something publicly discussed in our society - or so it has felt to me over my lifetime. We send flowers - we say sorry - we advise it will be better - but what about everything in between. What about having to continue to "live" while grieving.

At this juncture, life just feels heavy. I have been unemployed since December. Recently advised that I am not loved and will no longer be a mother to a little girl I raised for three years. I feel suspend…


I had an interview this morning. I feel like it went fairly well; even with inadequate sleep, I feel I articulated why I would be a good fit for the position and for the company. Between this and some other leads, I do feel I will start work soon. My morning was positive.

Then I chose to remember that he flew out today. He flew out today to Maui with his family. It was the date I was originally assigned to fly, in a seat next to him. With OUR family. But it is no longer OUR family - it is HIS family. I am no longer a member. How quickly life can change in a short period of time. How "I don't love you anymore" can change the direction of one's life. I cried for a moment in the car after my interview, composed myself, and returned to my best friend's home.

After changing into more comfortable attire, I ate, relaxed with my pup Star and went to a counseling assessment offered by a local organization. There were other things in between and after but I don't feel …

My Whole Heart

Since I am not currently working, I had the flexibility to pick up the kiddo and take her to violin class. Since her dad is on vacation, she is with her mother. Her mother agreed to let me have the opportunity to spend some time with her. I picked her up from school at 1:30 p.m. as Wednesday is an early day for the entire school. When she saw me she shared a huge grin and a huge hug. We held hands as is our norm and walked to my vehicle. We talked about her day and we both agreed that we were a little hungry so we decided to have a light meal/snack at a local taqueria. We talked more and decided since it was a gorgeous day and had ample time that play at the park was very much needed.

I didn't watch her play as I have in the past, but I played with her. Sometimes I was just the one pushing her on the tire swing or on the Merry Go Round but I was engaged the entire time. Time moved swiftly but it was all pleasant and releasing our energy in a productive manner was good for both ou…